What is Triggering My Child?

According to Synergetic Play Therapy (SPT), there are four main categories of threats or challenges to our nervous system. Our brain (specifically, our amygdala) is constantly scanning our internal and external environments for potential threats or challenges to safety - both physical and emotional safety. When we break it down, we often find that the root of a child’s anxiety, dysregulation, or big behaviors fits into one of the categories below:

1. Threats to emotional and physical safety.

We are biologically driven to keep ourselves alive and safe, both physically and emotionally. What children perceive as safe can depend on age, development, and past experiences. When we think about this one, we can think about the foundational pieces of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs - physiological needs, safety needs, but also needs for love and belonging.

2. Our perceptions of the unknown.

When our brain has not encountered an experience before, it pauses to get a sense of what might happen next. If our assumptions about the unknown are negative and we anticipate something might be unsafe or challenging, this can be dysregulating to our systems. Transitions can be particularly challenging for children because of the unknowns regarding what is coming next. The use of visual aids, timers, calendars, etc., can be helpful before transitions, and having discussions about new, future experiences can help make the unknown known. We can also preemptively offer regulation strategies to children during transitions, such as singing, marching, using a fidget or sensory object, offering a special transition object, etc.

3. Incongruence in the environment.

Our brains don’t like it when other people’s emotional reactions don’t seem to match what’s happening in the environment because our brains like to follow predictable patterns. An example of this is entering a room, feeling that something is off, asking everyone what’s wrong, and being met with everyone insisting that everything is fine. This is why authenticity is so important for regulation and why regulation and being calm are not synonymous. Naming our authentic feelings and reactions and then modeling the regulation strategy we need for ourselves is a way to make the environment more congruent. Talking to children about what’s going on in the family system in a developmentally appropriate way is also a way to make the environment more congruent.

4. Incongruence within ourselves (“shoulds”).

This one is the expectations we put on ourselves, or expecting ourselves to be someone different than who we are in that moment. When we think we “should” be showing up differently or feeling differently, our systems typically either go into a fight-or-flight response or shut down. Making sure we have realistic expectations for kids that they can meet helps address this one, as well as reminding children (and modeling for them) that all feelings are okay to feel and express in a safe way. This is also one to keep in mind for ourselves, as it shows up a lot in adulthood - thinking about how one “should” be a parent, caregiver, etc., can be very dysregulating. Giving ourselves compassion and grace when we’ve made a mistake and extending that same compassion and grace to children can go a long way.

If you’re wanting personalized support to figure out the specific roots of your child’s feelings and behaviors, reach out for a free 15-minute intro call to learn more about services and how play therapy could benefit you and your child.