Understanding Your Child’s Behavior Through the Lens of Play Therapy

Understanding Your Child’s Nervous System in Play Therapy: Why It Matters

As a play therapist, one of the key lenses I use to understand a child’s behavior in sessions is by noticing where their nervous system is at—whether they’re in a state of hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal, or regulation.

When we tune into a child’s nervous system responses, we get valuable insight into how they are experiencing their world, and where they may need extra support to feel safe, connected, and understood.

The Three Nervous System States

1. Hyper-Arousal: The Fight-or-Flight Response

When a child perceives a threat or challenge and believes they can confront it, their nervous system moves into a hyper-aroused state—ready to fight or flee.

In play therapy, hyper-arousal may look like:

• Dumping out toy bins or creating chaos in the room

• Testing boundaries or engaging in power struggles

• Aggressive or conflict-driven play (e.g., sword fights, “good vs. bad” themes)

• Hyper-vigilance: difficulty settling, constant questioning, or checking outside the room

• Disorganized, unpredictable, or high-energy play

• Avoiding specific topics or feelings

• Stories focused on conflict, blame, or defensiveness

These behaviors are not "defiant"—they are clues that your child’s nervous system is activated and working hard to manage perceived threats or stressors.

2. Hypo-Arousal: The Collapse or Shutdown Response

If the nervous system senses a threat but feels powerless to act—or becomes overwhelmed over time—it may shut down. This is known as hypo-arousal.

Signs of hypo-arousal in sessions include:

• Tired, low-energy appearance (e.g., slow movement or speech)

• People-pleasing, over-compliance, or difficulty making decisions

• Silence or disengagement from play and conversation

• Numbness, disconnection from feelings or body sensations

• Hopelessness, helplessness, or themes of shutdown in stories or play

• Zoning out or becoming easily distracted

• Disinterest in toys or conversation

• Difficulty recognizing or responding to basic bodily needs (e.g., hunger, thirst)

Kids in this state may be labeled as “resistant” or “unmotivated,” but in reality, they may just be shut down in response to prolonged stress or trauma.

3. Regulation: Feeling Safe and Connected

When a child feels safe and supported, they enter a regulated state. This doesn’t always mean being calm—it means being able to stay present, connected, and open to feelings, even when they’re big or difficult.

In a regulated state, we often see:

• Themes of safety, protection, and care in imaginative play

• Problem-solving and resilience (both in play and in real-life stories)

• Greater frustration tolerance (e.g., losing a game or facing a challenge)

• Increased body awareness and self-care (e.g., bringing water or snacks to session)

• Naming emotions and bodily sensations

• More openness, curiosity, and connection with the therapist

• Focus on personal values and interests, especially in older children

As children progress in therapy, their capacity to spend more time in a regulated state grows. Sessions begin to shift from acting out distress to building emotional flexibility and self-understanding.

How Play Therapy Helps Children Regulate Their Nervous System

In play therapy, children naturally explore and express what’s happening in their inner world. Over time, and with the safety of the therapeutic relationship, they begin to expand their window of tolerance—the range of emotional experiences they can handle while staying regulated. Over time, regulation increases in sessions (and outside of them, too).

Whether your child is showing signs of stress, shutdown, or just needs support navigating big emotions, play therapy offers a developmentally appropriate space for healing, growth, and connection.

Is Play Therapy Right for Your Child?

If you’re noticing patterns like increased anxiety, aggression, withdrawal, or emotional ups and downs in your child, it may be their nervous system asking for help.

💬 Let’s talk. I offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you explore whether play therapy could be a good fit for your child. Click the button below to schedule your call now.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Support is just a conversation away.