Emotional Dysregulation in Disguise: Supporting Anxious, Perfectionist Children
"She's such a joy to have in class!"
"He’s such an overachiever—he stayed up all night making his project perfect!"
"We never have any issues with her. She's just perfect."
These comments are often seen as compliments. And while they may reflect certain strengths, they can also mask something deeper—anxiety, hyper-vigilance, or emotional dysregulation.
I frequently talk about nervous system regulation in children, including what’s known as hyper-arousal, a common type of dysregulation. Hyper-arousal occurs when a child perceives a threat but believes they can—or must—“perform” to fix it. This state is also known as fight-or-flight.
Signs of Hyper-Arousal in Kids
Children in a hyper-aroused state might:
Have a racing heart or trouble breathing
Seem anxious or restless
Struggle with perfectionism
React strongly to mistakes or criticism
Appear “perfect” or people-pleasing in structured settings
While this can sometimes be praised (especially in school environments), chronic hyper-vigilance can lead to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection from a child’s authentic self.
Over time, these children may struggle with low resilience, fearing failure or making even small mistakes. What looks like over-achievement on the surface may actually be rooted in deep emotional stress.
Supporting Kids with Perfectionism and Anxiety
So, how can we help children who struggle with perfectionism? One of the most powerful tools is fostering self-compassion—what many educators refer to as a growth mindset.
Self-compassion teaches children that they are inherently worthy, regardless of performance, grades, or behavior. It helps counter the harmful belief that they must earn their value through perfection.
Here are a few everyday phrases you can use to promote self-compassion and emotional regulation:
“Mistakes are how we learn.”
“This is hard—looks like I need more practice.”
“Messing up means I’m human, not broken.”
“I made a mistake, but I can fix it.”
“I’m not the best at this, and I still had fun.”
These small shifts in language help children internalize that mistakes are safe and part of learning.
Before practicing self-compassion with your child, it’s often helpful to regulate your own nervous system first. Take a breath, notice how your body feels, and name your emotions—then model that for your child.
Therapy for Perfectionism and Emotional Dysregulation
If your child struggles with perfectionism, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm, you're not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it alone either.
I specialize in helping kids and families build emotional resilience through play-based, trauma-informed, and nervous system-aware therapy. My work integrates the principles of Synergetic Play Therapy to help children reconnect with their authentic selves, learn how to manage mistakes, and release core beliefs that associate accomplishments with worth.
If you're ready for support, click the button below to schedule a free 15-minute intro call to discuss how play therapy could benefit your child.