“Am I Failing as a Parent?” How Anxiety and Perfectionism Can Be Signs of Growth

As a parent, do you ever find yourself wondering:

• Am I doing this right?

• Am I messing up my child?

• Am I enough for them?

If you’ve asked these questions—sometimes over and over—you’re not alone. Many parents I meet in play therapy describe this tender place as overwhelming, exhausting, and lonely. You might feel like no matter what you try, it isn’t working. You might find yourself chasing answers because sitting in the unknown feels unbearable.

In Synergetic Play Therapy, we often refer to this as the “Am I okay?” phase of parenting. And while it might feel like you’re failing, this phase is actually a sign that you care deeply—and that you’re growing alongside your child.

What Is the “Am I Okay?” Phase?

In Synergetic Play Therapy, we use an approach inspired by therapist and teacher Duey Freeman, who describes three core questions we all ask in our emotional development:

Am I safe?
Am I loved?
Am I okay?

These questions don’t just belong to childhood—they come back throughout our lives, especially during stressful or vulnerable times. Parenting is one of those times.

When you’re in the “Am I okay?” phase, it might show up as:

• Anxiety and self-doubt – constantly questioning your decisions as a parent.

• Perfectionism – trying so hard to “get it right” because the stakes feel so high.

• Chasing answers – seeking advice or strategies because sitting in uncertainty feels too hard.

This isn’t a sign you’re failing. It’s your nervous system working overtime to protect you and your child. It’s an invitation to pause, breathe, and learn how to stay present even when things are uncertain.

Your Child Feels It Too

Here’s something powerful to consider: the same struggles you’re facing—anxiety, discomfort with the unknown, fear of “not enough”—are often alive in your child too.

Just as you’re wondering, Am I okay?, your child is wondering:

• Am I okay when I have big feelings?

• Am I okay if I’m not perfect?

• Am I okay even when things feel hard?

In my work as a play therapist, I help families grow their ability to handle these tough moments together. It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about strengthening your family’s distress tolerance—your collective capacity to feel discomfort and stay connected anyway.

Life is hard. Parenting is hard. The goal isn't to make uncomfortable feelings go away, but to expand our capacity to manage them—this is what lets our nervous system know that we are okay, even if things are really hard.

Practical Tips for Parents in the “Am I Okay?” Phase

If you’re in the thick of self-doubt or anxiety, here are some small steps to try:

1. Pause and Ground Yourself

When you feel overwhelmed, take 3 slow breaths. Place your hand on your chest and gently say to yourself, “This feels hard because I care. I don’t have to get it perfect.”

2. Name the Unknown

It’s okay to say out loud (to yourself or even your child), “I don’t know yet, and that’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.” This models for your child that it’s safe to sit with uncertainty.

3. Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

When things feel messy, remind yourself: “My child doesn’t need me to be perfect. They need me to stay present.”

You Are Okay (Even When It Feels Hard)

Parenting isn’t about getting everything right. It’s about staying in relationship—with your child, and with yourself—through the messiness.

If you’re asking yourself, “Am I okay?”, the answer is yes. You’re okay. You’re human. And you’re growing.

And as you grow, you’re teaching your child to believe the same about themselves.

Want Support Along the Way?

If you’re ready to help your family build resilience and connection, I’d love to walk this journey with you. Click the button below to schedule a free 15-minute intro call now.