What Is Masking? Understanding the Hidden Struggle for Neurodivergent Kids
Masking is when someone hides their true feelings, impulses, and behaviors to fit in, avoid being judged, or to protect themselves from feelings of shame.
For neurodivergent people—especially children with ADHD or autism—masking can become a daily survival strategy in a world that isn’t always neurodiversity-affirming. While masking may make it easier for them to navigate school, friendships, or public spaces, it often comes at a heavy emotional cost.
In this post, we’ll explore what masking is, why kids mask, how it shows up differently in boys and girls, and how parents and professionals can help children feel safe enough to unmask and be their authentic selves.
What Is Masking?
Masking happens when a child suppresses or hides their natural behaviors in order to meet social or environmental expectations.
It can look like:
Perfectionism and people-pleasing
Mimicking peers’ speech, interests, or mannerisms
Strictly adhering to adult rules and expectations
Suppressing stimming behaviors or strong emotions
For many neurodivergent kids, masking is not a conscious choice—it’s something they do subconsciously as a way to feel safe in environments that may not fully accept their differences.
Why Do Kids Mask?
There are many reasons why a child might mask:
To avoid teasing or social rejection from peers
To meet adult expectations and avoid getting in trouble
To feel safe in environments that aren’t neurodivergent-affirming
To avoid rejection sensitivity and the shame that can come from feeling “bad” or “different”
Although masking might make life easier for teachers or caregivers in the short term, it often leaves children feeling drained and disconnected from themselves.
The Hidden Costs of Masking
While masking can help kids navigate a world that wasn’t built with them in mind, it often leads to serious challenges over time, including:
Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Anxiety and depression
After-school meltdowns (sometimes called “restraint collapse”)
Losing touch with their authentic self, making it harder to recognize or respond to their own needs, body sensations, and feelings
If it feels like you have a completely different child at home versus at school, it could be because your child finally feels safe enough to take off the “mask” when they’re with you, or they can no longer “hold it together” once they get home after a day of masking.
Masking in Girls vs. Boys
Masking can look different depending on a child’s gender. Girls are often socialized to be “good,” compliant, and people-pleasing. Adult responses to behaviors can look different based on a child’s gender because of stereotypes around how genders are “supposed” to behave. Because of these societal pressures, girls often mask more intensely or frequently than boys. This can result in:
Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes
Suppressing emotions like frustration or sadness
Hiding stimming behaviors (rocking, tapping, etc.), which can limit a child’s ability to regulate throughout the day
Developing special interests that align with what peers or adults expect
This tendency to mask can lead to girls being overlooked for ADHD or autism diagnoses and not receiving the support they need.
Boys certainly are not immune to masking—it could look like the behaviors above, and it could also look like withdrawing socially, copying peers, or overcompensating by becoming the “class clown.”
How Parents Can Support a Child Who Masks
Parents play a critical role in helping kids feel safe enough to unmask.
Here’s how you can help:
1. Create a Safe Space at Home
Let your child know they can show up as their authentic self without fear of judgment.
2. Normalize and Validate Emotions
Say things like, “It’s okay to let out all those big feelings here. You’ve been working so hard today.”
3. Collaborate with Teachers and Caregivers
Help them recognize signs of masking and adjust expectations or supports in the classroom.
4. Watch for Signs of Perfectionism and Burnout
Look for fatigue, emotional outbursts, or withdrawal, which may signal your child is holding it together all day.
5. Teach About Masking in Age-Appropriate Ways
Talk to your child about why they might feel pressure to act a certain way and let them know it’s okay to rest and recharge.
How Professionals Can Support Masking Kids
As child therapists, educators, or allied professionals, you can create spaces where kids feel safe to unmask:
🌈 Build a Neurodivergent-Affirming Practice
Make sure your environment celebrates differences rather than asking kids to conform or viewing neurotypical behaviors as the “norm.”
🧠 Provide Psychoeducation About Masking
Teach families about restraint collapse, recharge routines, and ways to reduce masking at school and home. Depending on a child’s age and developmental level, you can teach kids about masking so they have more awareness of how their brain works and ways to support their own brain.
🎨 Create Opportunities for Authentic Expression
Use play, art, and storytelling to help kids explore who they are beneath the mask.
👂 Encourage Interoception Skills
Help children tune into their bodies and emotions so they can identify and respond to their own needs.
Moving Toward a Neurodivergent-Affirming World
Masking helps kids survive in the short term, but long term, it disconnects them from who they truly are. By creating environments where neurodivergent children feel safe, seen, and supported, we can help them thrive as their authentic selves.
Key Takeaways
Masking is a survival strategy, not manipulation.
It’s more common in girls and often delays diagnosis and support.
Parents and professionals can create safe spaces for kids to unmask.
Every child deserves to feel accepted, exactly as they are. If you’re looking for a neurodivergent-affirming therapist who can support your masking child, click the button below to schedule a free 15 minute intro call.