How Kids Learn Skills in Play Therapy (And Why It’s So Different From “Just Talking”)
This is one of the most common questions I hear from parents, caregivers, and other adults in a child’s life:
"How will play therapy actually help my child build the skills they need?"
It’s a great question—and underneath it, there’s often something deeper going on. Let’s pause for a moment and unpack it.
What’s Beneath the Question?
When parents bring their child to therapy, they’re often exhausted and overwhelmed. Many of the children I see are struggling with big, externalizing behaviors—things like physical aggression, separation anxiety, frequent meltdowns, or emotional outbursts that feel impossible to manage.
As I meet with families, I’m not only attuning to where a child’s nervous system is, but also to where the caregiver’s nervous system is.
Some parents come in feeling anxious and hyper-alert, putting immense pressure on themselves to “do it perfectly” or find the magic answer that will make things better.
Others arrive in a state of hopelessness or collapse, burned out from years of trying to manage their child’s struggles. These are often parents who might be labeled as “disengaged” from the therapeutic process, but this isn’t the full story, as their nervous system is likely in shutdown mode.
Both responses are completely normal. They’re signs of nervous system dysregulation—something I see not only in kids, but in the adults who love them.
It’s no wonder caregivers want to know how therapy will help. They’re craving reassurance, clarity, and hope. In parent meetings, we’re also experientially practicing sitting with uncomfortable feelings, tolerating distress, and navigating the inevitable unknowns of life.
So How Do Kids Actually Build Skills in Play Therapy?
Here’s the short answer: Through connection, modeling, and experiential learning.
In Synergetic Play Therapy (SPT), the primary way children develop emotional regulation skills isn’t by being told what to do. Instead, they learn by experiencing new ways of responding to emotions and challenges in the context of a safe, attuned relationship. How does this work? Because of mirror neurons.
The Role of Mirror Neurons
Children’s brains are wired to learn through observation. Mirror neurons—a special class of brain cells—activate both when we do an action and when we watch someone else do it.
In SPT sessions, kids are repeatedly observing how I regulate emotions, express feelings, and respond to challenges. Over time, these observations create new patterns in their brain and nervous system, and they eventually move from observing to doing. Sessions offer a safe and regulated space to try out these new responses.
You’ve likely already tried what is called a “top down” approach in therapy—telling your kid either what to do or what not to do, or offering regulation strategies they can use. The thing is, in moments of intense dysregulation, we all default to our most deeply patterned responses. Play therapy works by creating new patterns from the bottom up and experiential learning, which is how children (and many adults) learn best.
What Happens in Play Therapy Sessions?
Play therapy isn’t just about skill-building—and it’s definitely not about giving kids lectures or just a list of coping strategies. Instead, it’s about helping them experience regulation, healing, and connection in a way that sticks.
In sessions, your child:
Experiences deep attunement—feeling truly seen, heard, and accepted
Explores and expresses emotions through play, conversation, creative activities, and the therapeutic relationship itself
Processes challenging or traumatic experiences so children can integrate these elements into a larger narrative and the intensity of feelings and reactions lessens
Tries out new ways of responding to feelings and challenges in a safe space where mistakes are welcome
This process helps children create new patterns in their brain and nervous system, which leads to new choices and responses over time. Inevitably, children will observe, practice, and develop new skills through this process.
Supporting Parents Along the Way
As a parent, you’re not just a bystander in this process—you’re an essential part of it.
Part of my role is to support you, too. Together, we’ll explore what your nervous system needs so you can feel more grounded and confident in supporting your child. This might involve:
Learning practical tools to use at home
Exploring your own responses to your child’s challenges
Building your capacity to sit with the discomfort of not having all the answers
When we approach this as a team, the whole family system begins to shift—not just the child.
The Bottom Line
Your child will gain skills in play therapy—but that’s just the beginning. They’ll also heal within the therapeutic relationship, process and integrate past challenges and/or traumas, develop confidence to connect back to their authentic selves, and learn how to manage emotions and remain resilient in the face of challenges. And as a family, you’ll develop the tools to navigate challenges together with more ease and connection.
Healing takes time, but you and your family don’t have to do it alone.
Ready to Learn More?
If you’re curious about how play therapy could support your child and family, I’d love to talk with you. Click the button below to schedule a free intro call now.