How Do I Know If My Kid Has Anxiety?

It’s become increasingly common to talk about anxiety, but what exactly is it, and how does it show up for kids? Let’s take a deep dive into what anxiety is, the symptoms and behaviors associated with anxiety, common anxiety triggers, how it could feel, and how it can show up for children.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a manifestation of a sympathetic nervous system. When our nervous system perceives a threat or challenge and also perceives that there is something we can do about it, it mobilizes into a sympathetic response, otherwise known as fight, flight, or freeze.

Our body will freeze to quickly assess what to do next and will then either run away or fight off the threat, depending on our system’s assessment (or prepare for one of those options, even if they’re not feasible). Freeze is commonly confused with the nervous system’s dorsal vagal response, or collapse response, in which our system perceives a threat or challenge and perceives there is nothing we can do about it, so it starts to shut down so we feel as little pain as possible until the threat passes - this is our nervous system’s last defense. On the other hand, with a freeze response, we’re still experiencing that anxiety and fear on the inside, but we’re pausing to assess what to do next.

For those who have an anxiety diagnosis or frequently experience anxiety, their system perceives a lot of potential threats and/or challenges (potentially due to a sensitized system or due to external stressors), and a sympathetic response has become patterned. Anxiety and panic attacks can manifest when our system mobilizes for a sympathetic response but has no way to release that energy and it builds up.

Many parents feel curious about where anxiety comes from or how their child became anxious, and the answer is, that it depends. We can be genetically predisposed to anxiety, and from a survival standpoint, it’s actually advantageous to pass down - if we are hypersensitive to possible threats and/or challenges, we are able to keep ourselves and our loved ones safer. We might also learn to develop an anxiety response from what we see in the people around us or learn from experience that it was protective in some way. I find, oftentimes, what is underneath this question is parents wondering if anxiety is normal and if they’ve done something wrong if their child has anxiety - anxiety is a normal part of the human experience, and if your kid has anxiety, that doesn’t mean you’ve messed up as a parent. As discussed, we are all literally born with a nervous system response to take on threats and challenges that predisposes us to anxiety. Whether it’s an ongoing diagnosis we deal with or something more occasional, anxiety is a normal part of life, and it can be such a gift to teach children what anxiety is and how to deal with it.

Anxiety and Perceptions

Our nervous system responds based on our perceptions of reality, not necessarily an objective reality (sometimes these align, and sometimes these are different). Our nervous system is constantly scanning our environment to assess if there are any potential threats because it’s most worried about our survival - not necessarily if we feel calm and happy.

Our perceptions are influenced by our past experiences, potential trauma triggers, our family systems, what’s happening in the world, etc. What one system interprets as safety can read as a threat to another system and vice versa.

This means decreasing our anxiety response could involve addressing external stressors, but it could also involve addressing our perceptions and our patterned nervous system responses - it really just depends on the individual (and sometimes can involve both).

What Are Common Anxiety Triggers?

There are a variety of things that can trigger an anxiety response, but many of them share a core trigger, such as:

- Encountering unknowns (especially if we associate unknowns with being negative)

- Placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves (or others placing unrealistic expectations on us)

- A loss of control or feeling out of control (for children, this can often involve feeling out of control of their own feelings, reactions, bodies, impulses, behaviors, etc.)

- Feeling unable to trust ourselves and/or others, especially in the midst of big feelings and/or challenging times

- Encountering feelings, body sensations, or experiences that are outside of our window of tolerance

- Lack of authenticity (either within ourselves, in the people in our lives, or both)

How Does Anxiety Feel?

A sympathetic nervous system response means our body is getting ready to fight or run away. When we’re unable to expel this excess energy, it can lead to uncomfortable somatic experiences, including:

- A racing heart

- Shortened breath, difficulty catching our breath or taking a deep breath

- A tight chest

- Nausea, stomachaches, or “butterflies” in the stomach

- Feeling jittery, fidgety, or restless

- Racing thoughts, particularly “what if” thoughts, worst-case-scenario thoughts, or thoughts telling us we need to escape, run away, etc.

- Tingly or shaky limbs

- Increased temperature and/or sweating

- Dizziness

- Muscle tension

How Can Anxiety Present, Especially for Kids?

- Becoming avoidant, especially of anxiety triggers (including school avoidance and/or procrastination)

- Irritability, defensiveness, or becoming argumentative (including physical aggression)

- Becoming demanding or controlling, having little tolerance for being out of control

- Difficulty sleeping and/or eating or sudden changes in sleeping or eating

- Chronic stomachaches or GI issues

- Difficulty focusing

- Fidgeting and restlessness

- Nightmares and/or stress dreams

- Difficulty connecting to the present moment

- Difficulty connecting to yourself, such as your feelings and body sensations

- Frequent “what if” thoughts or trying to prepare for the worst-case-scenario (this could include your child constantly asking you questions in a way that feels different from typical curiosity)

- Indecisiveness or every decision feeling big and important

- Perfectionism

How Do I Know When to Reach Out for Help?

You know your kid best. Oftentimes when parents reach out, they’ll discuss knowing something feels off but not knowing exactly what it is yet, or noticing changes in their child’s mood and/or behaviors and wanting to get to the bottom of what’s going on. In the beginning stages of play therapy, we are often gaining awareness about what is going on in the first place. It could also be time to reach out for extra support if:

- Functioning at home, school, and/or extracurricular activities is becoming significantly impacted

- It’s becoming increasingly challenging knowing how to support your child in times of anxiety and/or dysregulation

- Avoidance and fears are getting more intense over time

- Your child complains of somatic symptoms frequently (and medical issues have been ruled out)

If this post resonated and you feel ready to reach out for extra support, click the contact button to schedule a free 15-minute introduction call to discuss how play therapy can help with your child’s anxiety.