What to Do When Your Kid Is Having a Meltdown
What’s Going On in a Kid’s Brain & Nervous System During a Meltdown
Before we think about how to respond to a kid experiencing a meltdown, it can be helpful to understand what is happening in a kid’s brain and nervous system. What we refer to as meltdowns can be described as dysregulation - a kid’s nervous system has detected a challenge or threat outside of their window of tolerance and either goes into a fight-or-flight response or a shut-down response. Kids’ systems might detect a variety of things as being a threat or challenge, such as loss of control, an uncomfortable internal experience, loss of connection, etc.
A fight-or-flight response could look like:
- A kid becoming physically aggressive
- A kid becoming argumentative or “defiant”
- Running away
A shut-down response could look like:
- Appearing not to listen
- Not completing tasks or procrastinating
- Becoming helpless
So, what’s happening in the brain? We can basically break down our brain into three parts - the brainstem, which controls survival functions, the limbic system, which controls our emotional responses, and our frontal lobe, which controls rational thinking. The frontal lobe isn’t finished developing until the early to mid twenties, so children are already working with less capacity than an adult. When we become dysregulated, whether we are children or adults, our limbic system takes over - our brain is now focused on quick impulses and survival, not rational thinking.
Because of this, you’ll likely see a loss of impulse control, a lack of thinking about future consequences, and a regression in behaviors and abilities when a kid is melting down. Keep in mind, their nervous system is either going into fight-or-flight mode or shutting down, and their brain is now focusing purely on emotion and survival.
Tip #1: Consider a Kid’s Capacity
Considering where a kid’s nervous system and brain functioning are during a meltdown, it’s important to remember what a kid’s capacity truly is in moments of dysregulation (or meltdowns). I often talk to parents who feel frustrated or confused at a child’s behavior in times of dysregulation - why can they no longer follow directions or do something they typically can do?
Our capacity looks different day-to-day and throughout the day, and in times of dysregulation, capacity is going to look way different - think about how much harder daily tasks become on your most stressful days. It’s not uncommon for a kid to seemingly regress and appear much younger when they are dysregulated.
When we consider a kid’s capacity, we can keep in mind that we are coming in as an external regulator and acting as a kid’s frontal lobe. Regulation first, and then we can focus on more in-depth discussions about feelings and triggers, and addressing discipline and repair if needed.
Tip #2: Focus on Your Own Regulation
Our nervous system states are contagious. It is absolutely natural to start to feel intense feelings in the midst of your child’s dysregulation - anger, frustration, feeling out of control, questioning your own parenting, etc. but this means regulation can be contagious too.
Pause. Focus on your own breath - did you stop breathing? Do you need to take a deep breath?
Tune into your body and notice the sensations in your body - is your heart racing? Is your stomach in knots?
What is your body telling you about how you’re feeling? Name your feelings out loud. “It’s frustrating when things feel out of control.”
Think about what you truly need in this moment - a sip of water or coffee? Getting up and moving around? Taking a walk outside with your kid? Putting in your loop earplugs?
Supporting yourself and supporting your child are intertwined.
Tip #3: Model More, Talk Less
A lot of parents might feel the urge to start talking a lot when their child is melting down - whether they’re talking about future consequences, trying to talk to their kids about what they’re feeling and why, or something else. Keep in mind what is happening in your kid’s brain - their rational thinking has essentially turned off, and they aren’t really processing what you’re saying.
This includes trying to have a conversation about what they’re feeling and what made them feel that way. This conversation can certainly come later, but it takes a lot of brain power to identify how we are feeling and then verbalize it. Over time and with practice, kids will learn this skill - but in the midst of meltdowns is not the time to harp on this.
Kids learn a ton from modeling (because of the mirror neuron system). Instead of telling a kid to take a deep breath, take that deep breath for them. Instead of asking a kid what they need right now, offer a suggestion by doing it. You also know your kid best and likely know what they might need in this moment.
Tip #4: What You Can Model & Suggest
Listed below are regulation strategies that might support your own regulation and might be helpful to model for your child:
- Take the breath you need (in a fight-or-flight response, we often need to elongate our exhale. If we’re shutting down, we often need to elongate our inhale)
- Name the sensations you’re feeling in your body & what you’re emotionally feeling (model this for your kid if they’re not there yet)
- Get up and move. stretch, shake out your arms and legs, rock side-to-side, encourage your kid to crash into a soft surface, hang upside down, or swing if you know it’s supportive for them
- Take sips of water or eat a crunchy snack
- Turn on music or sounds
- Sensory supports - things like soundproof headphones or loop earplugs, weighted blankets, fidgets, etc.
- Know that it’s totally normal for a kid to shout “no!” at anything you suggest, as becoming argumentative is often a part of a fight-or-flight response. Again, turn to talking less and modeling more
Tip #5: Conversations About Feelings and Triggers Can Happen Once Regulation Occurs
Once a child is regulated (they’re more in control of their behavior, they’re able to engage in regular conversation, their breathing has regulated, etc.), you can talk more about how they were feeling and what caused them to feel that way if it feels appropriate. Based on a kid’s age and developmental level, they may have limited insight regarding how they were feeling and why - this is a skill that comes with practice, development, and time. But, it can be an opportunity for learning - both for your child and for you as you’re learning more about your child and their feelings.
This can also be a chance to make a plan for the future or talk through what changes could be made. Say a kid shared that they got super angry because their sibling took a toy out of their hands, and then they got in trouble for their big reaction, which felt unfair. You can validate their feelings while also talking about other ways they could respond in the future.
Tip #6: Repair and Discipline (If Needed) Can Happen Once Regulation Occurs
Just like more in-depth conversations about feelings and triggers take a high level of thinking, so does addressing repair and discipline. Children’s understanding and capacity are at their highest when they are regulated - parents will often see children naturally feel remorseful or want to fix something once they’ve become regulated (if there’s something to be fixed).
Discipline and repair aren’t always necessary - sometimes a meltdown is just a meltdown (and taking the time to talk through things after co-regulating might be more than enough). It will depend on a kid’s age and development regarding expectations for their behavior.
It can be helpful to offer support to your kid and discuss how they could repair things if need be (maybe they need to ask their sibling how they can fix things after an explosive fight). We might also need to repair with our kids, too - it is a huge source of learning if we show kids how to apologize and repair in a relationship.
Book Recommendations
If you want to learn more about children’s development, ways to support your children, and best practices for discipline, I recommend the following books:
- “The Whole-Brain Child” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
- “No Drama Discipline” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
- “Peaceful Discipline” by Sarah Moore